Sunday was, I think, the first time since Locke was born that we got to the end of the day and I realized I was pretty much really relieved it was over.
I felt guilty about that.
One of my biggest goals is to enjoy the mundane, the everyday, even when it’s hard. Because someday, when Locke is big, I’m going to wish for these days back. Tantrums and all.
I will never ever forget the feeling of longing I had for these days after our loss. (LINK) Seven months in & that feeling is still really raw.
But I guess that’s besides the point.
Because I was relieved nonetheless.
I sat rocking him for his last feeding of the day and I breathed a sigh of relief as I told him, “We did it buddy.”
Mind you, I was on day five of solo parenting.
It had snowed all week and the roads were too bad to go anywhere.
Locke’s rash came back & I know he wasn’t feeling good. He was itching all over.
The first six (yes, SIX) hours of each of the previous five days were spent together in his nursery, being quiet, so Caleb could sleep.
Don’t ask me how we be quiet when one of us is a 7 month old. We’re not very good at it.
As soon as Caleb woke up from sleeping off his nightshift, I shoved the baby monitor in his face and ran out the door. I didn’t look back until I was safely parked at the nearest Target.
I couldn’t decide if I should take my time wandering the aisles, grab a coffee and write, or hurry and get what I needed so I could do the responsible thing and stop at the grocery store on my way home.
I saw someone I knew and chatted for a few minutes. After she walked away, I looked down and realized I had dry baby spit up crusted onto the front of my shirt. I also realized I had no idea what I looked like or what was going on with my hair.
“Eh, I put on Mascara two days ago”, I thought. “I should be good.”
I wandered the aisles, picking out a few things for Locke. I found a table at the little Starbucks, drank a blended mocha, and worked on some writing. I felt SO refreshed. I almost felt silly, with how much better I felt.
When I got home, I walked in & Caleb was playing with Locke on the floor.
(To be more specific, he was bopping him on the head with an empty wrapping paper roll…but he was laughing, so whatever).
I really don’t have a moral to this story other than to tell you, mama, we all have those days and weeks. Or I hope it’s not just me, anyways.
I don’t think anyone needs another post about self-care. We all know we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, too. But maybe like me, you need the occasional shove out the front door.
And maybe more importantly, your husband and your kid need that time too. And if you’ve got one of the good ones, when you get home he’ll hug you and thank you profusely for doing what you do everyday. Because even if your kid was an angel, he/she will no doubt have kicked your husband’s butt while you were gone 😉
No matter how much you love motherhood and how much you cherish it, it’s ok if you occasionally get to the end of the day and feel the relief of knowing you get to go stuff your face with ice-cream and watch Netflix by yourself.